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Let’s face it. Unless you’re living in a cave by yourself and don’t communicate with humans, you’re going to find yourself in an argument one day. Whether you’re married or have a significant other, disagreements are going to occur. Depending on how you handle yourself during these conflicts is what really matters. The altercation can be settled amicably or actually snowball into a very heated argument. So, the question to ask yourself is “How can I disagree with those I love without hurting them”? In other words…how can I “fight fair”?
One of the most important things to remember, especially when we’re feeling angry, is that words can hurt. I grew up in an environment in which yelling hurtful words was commonplace. Looking back, I think of all the damage done by those comments being slung back and forth. Ugh…hearts were broken. God’s word tells us…”Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” (Eph. 4: 29 - NLT) Something else that’s very important to remember before things get started is to ask God for the wisdom to know when to speak and when to be silent!
Now, we know that conflicts ARE going to happen. Sometimes it’s because of something we’re responsible for doing. Or it could simply be because we said something we shouldn’t have. Regardless, arguments usually start for the following reasons:
To defend or rationalize our actions
To prove ourselves right
To prove the other person wrong
To punish the other person
To pay back for a previous offense, or
To vent anger
In the book, “Fight Fair”, the authors state, “When daily misunderstandings occur, they often leave behind a residue of anger, bitterness, or resentment. That residue can accumulate over time to create an environment toxic to oneness and intimacy”. (Go back and read that last line again!) Knowing that it can start with something as insignificant as leaving wet towels on the floor, not putting those dirty clothes in the hamper, not putting that dirty coffee cup in the dishwasher, or perhaps we leave the house without sharing a loving word, a kiss or a hug…the anger/frustration has started to build.
In personal relationships it’s important to try and have the same attitude Jesus had. Philippians 2:3-4 says, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.”
Did you know that as of next week, Dad and I will have been together for 40 years? (Our first date was on February 14, 1985). We’ve had plenty of disagreements during those years, and trust me when I tell you that they were not always pretty. But we invested time in each other by working on it TOGETHER. We attended small group Bible studies, Family Life conferences, Weekends to Remember (my favorite…also run by Family Life), and prayed together. Here’s the thing…we never stopped trying. In our eyes, our marriage is/was worth fighting for. Giving up was never an option.
Before I end this letter to you, my loves, let me share my personal take on arguments and resolving them, because…What good does it do you if you win the battle…but lose the war? So, remember…
The person that you’re arguing with was probably brought up with a different “set of rules”, so their way of handling conflict is probably different from yours.
“Your way” might not be the right way.
We often come into a relationship with a lot of “baggage”, and everyone has something that will TRIGGER them. Don’t push that button.
If someone needs time to calm down, give it to them.
If you say you’re sorry…MEAN IT.
When things calm down, give each other the opportunity to talk about it (NOT to rehash the argument)...and LISTEN.
F O R G I V E each other.
In a nutshell…“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you”. (Eph. 4:31-32 NLT)
There is a wealth of information about how to settle conflicts in life. And what better place to seek counsel than God’s word? I encourage you to use it (our greatest resource) as much as possible.
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